In The Absence of The Boy

Years ago, I had a friend who was a single mom, and her duaghter spent a fair amount of time at the dad's house. Although I was sure that there were downsides to time-sharing one's kid, there was this small part of me that was just a litlle jelouse. Jelouse of the breaks, the "time-off" from all that mom's do. My son was a challenging baby, for a number of reasons, not the least of which being his health issues, and I never got a break. I was a full time, full-on mom from day one. I felt like it was all on me, long befor the Boy's father walked out on us. So, there was this part of me that imagined that one small upside of divorce would be shared custody: regularly scheduled child-free time. 2 years on, I am still not used to The Boy spending weekends away. I dont believe I will ever be used to it. My heart breaks every time. Every. Single. Time. Theres nothing to be done about it, no way around it, but there it is.


Susanne said...

Same here. My daughter (10) is on holiday with her dad now. I'm getting used to it (to my feelings about her being away for so long), but the day she leaves is the most difficult one. It feels like the goodbye is never good enough, we are both cranky and in the beginning I have an awful feeling of quilt because I feel a bit relieved too (being a mom is great but sometimes very tiring; it is very intense).



griffin said...

Yes. thats it exactly: the crankiness, the feeling like the goodbye is insufficient or wrong, the guilt.
I feel guilty about "failing" to keep our family together, I feel guilty about how all this is affecting his life, and I feel conflicted because, on the one hand I grieve the fact that I am missing half his life, and on the other, mothering is intense, and tiering, and overwhelming, and I do sometimes look forward to the brakes, on a certain level, then mope around the house missing him when the break finally comes
(sigh) kind a "no win" situation.

zilla said...

Believe it or not, it does get better. I think one key might be remembering that we were not complete idiots when we chose our babies' daddy, and that dad does have some things of value to offer as well as love for the kids. Sure, I still carp and complain sometimes about their dad, and I miss them when they go, but it's become a fact of life that I have to work with, because if I don't work with it to my advantage and to my kids' advantage, I ain't doing anybody any favors, am I?